Episode 4 • The Things That Stop Us: Comparisonitis
Let’s take a look at the things that stop us from being heard as business owners and entrepreneurs. In this first (of three special-focus) episode, Amanda talks about being an identical twin and the decades-long experience of being deeply compared - on all levels - to another person. Touching on simple but formative examples, she looks at how external comparison often resulted in feeling “less than,” and how that caused her to shrink and second-guess herself over the years. She also speaks about social media and the self-doubt that arises after 7.2 minutes, and the evidence that is readily - and unfortunately - available to prove our limiting beliefs about ourselves. To conclude, she offers a few simple tips to face the effects of comparisonitis so we can show up and serve our people, clients, and communities.
TIME: 23:49
*Episode includes swearing.
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Hello. Welcome back to the podcast. I am your host, Amanda Perrot. I'm so, so pumped that you are joining me here today. Thank you for taking the time out of your crazy busy day to be with me and listen. So today I am talking about the things that stop us. So I'm doing a few episodes on these things that stop us from being seen from being heard, from putting ourselves and our work out there. If you are a business owner, entrepreneur, creative person, you know that there are moments over the years where you don't show up, you don't put yourself out there. And I wanna just really dive into these things because there are seasons where there's times where we won't put our work out there, we won't put ourselves out there. And instead of just ignoring that I wanna take some time to dive into some of those things so that we can become aware of them. We can just look at them instead of avoiding them, and then we can move through.
There's such a value in moving through because let's face it, people, some people need to see and hear you. And your work. You are here for a reason on this Earth. And if you don't show up and aren't seen, then people won't access that. And, and we need it. So at the risk of sounding like Marie Forleo, cause that's what she always says.
Yeah. I'm here to support you in that. So today I wanna talk about compare. Mm. Stutter. Mm-hmm. I wanna talk about, oh my God. Comparisonitis. Comparisonitis. There we go. Yeah. If you hear. Noises in the background. That's my cat, Lucy, who's chewing on a plastic bag. I don't know, there's something in plastic that she likes.
I don't know, whatever. So I apologize for that. But comparisonitis. Now there's two ways that I wanna look at this today. The first is I wanna tell you a bit about my background on comparisonitis and why I feel it on a very deep level. The reason for that is that I have an identical twin sister, like literally, like identical.
Well, like, like, I don't know why, why I put literally in there, but she's an identical twin sister. We look. The same, we are both 39 obviously, but it's not like I'm 39 and she's 36. We are both 39 and we still look so much alike that people still get us confused now. As a single, I'm assuming. So I, this is what I call people who aren't identical twins or aren't twins.
I call them singles because, you know so as a single, you're probably a single. If you were listening to this, if you're a twin, that's cool, but as a single you probably don't really, you're like, oh, twins. Cool. Yeah. Freaks of nature. Fun. But I wanna talk a bit about being a twin and what that means for comparisonitis.
So when we were younger, when we were babies, mom said that, People got, got them gifts for when we were born matching outfits and like how freaking adorable is that? Matching outfits for babies. Oh my God. Let me just pinch their cheeks now. So, but when we would go into the grocery store, for example, mom would bring us and we'd be wearing these matching outfits cause she's like, well I'm gonna use them because they're gifts, of course.
And we'd go into the grocery store and random strangers would, would be like, oh my God, they're so cute. Mm. Look at them twins and like just be like all over us. It was like almost like a show in the grocery store, which is totally understandable cause I would probably do the same. But I can just imagine myself being that baby, looking up at these massive faces who are just like up in our business and just like, and it was so overwhelming.
Mom said that it really upset both of us cause it was just so overwhelming all the attention that we got. So eventually she, she started dressing us differently so it wasn't so obvious because she knew that to support us in our overwhelm, that that's one thing that she could do was address us differently.
And then she said, that worked a little bit, so thank you Mom. But from a very young age, we were like, compared. As human beings back and forth all the time. I still, still to this day when Adrienne and I are like, let's say we're out somewhere, like, let's say we're having lunch together or something.
People will be like, are you twins? And then they will look back and forth at us. You can look, you can see their eyes moving back and forth, and they're just, I don't know what it is. If they're looking for similarities, differences, what? I don't know, but it's so uncomfortable. And I find myself shift even at the age of 39, I find myself shift and like I stand up straighter and I like tilt my head so that the left side of my face is visible to that person cause that's the, the prettier side of my face.
Like I and I do these things and it's such a subconscious slash conscious thing because I don't want to be the uglier twin. I don't want to be the dumber twin. I don't want to be the less funny or charismatic twin. I will laugh a little harder and be like hilarious and all this shit because I, I don't want to be what I believe myself to be, which is a lot of those things which is less funny, less beautiful, less smart, whatever that is.
Right? And I'm not going to. Speak for her, but through our conversations, I know that she's felt the same way, right? Like this, you can tell that you're being compared and while, and it's uncomfortable. And while I know that the intentions are not are, are usually fine, like it's not like people are like assholes about it.
There have been moments throughout our lives where there definitely has been the judgement of who's prettier, who's smarter. We could both share so many stories about that and how. While the intention is not necessarily like evil, it's not kind. So I grew up very strongly with this feeling of being compared and what that led to was this or what?
Well, no, there's this underlying sense of not being enough. Of like that internal struggle, that internal dialogue that I know as humans, we all share. This is not like just a twin thing. Absolutely. But that tended to, to, tended to bring out those feelings a lot more strongly. And so now even at the age of 39, I still find myself comparing.
Me to my twin sister, and as much as I've done a shit ton of internal work on it it's still there and it's still gonna be this ongoing, lifelong practice. I think we've both done a shit ton of work on it and we are supportive each of each other, but it's just, it's one of those things that's there now.
Yeah, there's just so many stories that are popping into my mind. There's one that when we were teenagers, which is I've realized is where so much of my shit comes from. But we were, we were at the local cafe where they had like, our kid games and like a pool table in the back, which is actually really, really cool.
But we were there one, one day. My twin sister was like in the bathroom. I'm not sure. She wasn't there in that moment, but one of the guys in my class, there's a bunch of us there, one of the guys in my class said, you know, who has a really nice ass? And the guys were like, oh, who, who has a nice ass?
And he is like, Adrienne, she has a really nice ass. So Adrienne is, is my twin sister. And all the guys were like, yeah, yeah, cool. You know? Yeah. And it was like, I was not even visible. I was not even seen because in my mind I was like, are you what? Like what are you? I'm stand, I'm standing right here, and we are twins and we have the same ass, like we are identical and it just, I know that, that seems so simple and may be so silly, but in those formative years of just wanting, wanting acceptance from our peers and wanting to, you know, feel attractive I, I didn't, I didn't in that moment, and I remember thinking like, maybe I should get different jeans.
Like maybe it like, what is it with these pants? Like, why is he not seeing my ass? Which. Also, I'm like, honey, I, I would sit her down right now and I'd be like, like, as an asshole. No. Well, there's that. But also I'd be like, what do you know about you? What do you know about you and your body? And, and I would walk her through that.
Right. But in that time, I didn't have the capacity or tools or knowledge or wisdom to understand that what that comment was was nothing to do with me actually, but I internalized it and thought I wasn't attractive and all of these things, right? There's these stories and situations that play out in our lives that.
That add to our belief systems about ourselves? Well, in fact, we look for the things that will add to the beliefs, the evidence that will show us that we're right, right? That we are somehow unloveable or dumb or ugly or less than right. And it's only with awareness and doing the deep inner work that we can start to realize that, wait a second.
I am valuable. I have so much to offer this world and shit. Even if I didn't have anything to offer this world, I'm still valuable, right? Other people's perceptions of me or opinions of me. It just means that they're human too. They are human too. And I can take it or leave it. So there's so much that plays into this comparisonitis.
And I wanna share this, this bit about being a twin sister and that it's something that I have felt so deeply for so long. And even now when I go on Instagram and I see my twin sister doing cool things and I'm like, oh man, like I'm not doing enough now. You know, I talk to her and. And we have really honest, deep conversations about this type of stuff, and it's really healing, and that's really cool and I'm very grateful for that.
So that area of my life is just definitely something that I'm proud of the amount of work that I've done on, and I know that, that I'm strong enough and like to get through that and work through it and, and all of that. But there's other areas of our life where we don't have that awareness or knowledge or wisdom yet.
And it can be really tough. And so, the second point that I wanna make is actually about social media. And so while I'm talking about these two points and how they bring up this stuff in us, right? I will end this episode with just like a few quick tips about how to work through it so that this comparison, I just does not stop you from putting yourself out there.
Because at the end of the day, I'm here to support you in putting yourself out there, you and your work so that you can serve your people. So the second point I wanna talk about is social media. So the last few years I have, I have not been active on social media, like at all. I've just basically hidden in my metaphorical cave and not come out.
Earlier this year, I decided, I was like, I need to go back on social media because I need to walk my talk and I need to show up and be seen and be visible and use my voice. So I went back on and it was so fascinating. Oh my gosh. It was actually, Ugh. Wow. The dichotomy of like from not being on social media.
Social media to then being on social media was, wow. It was huge. What I realized was, The first 7.2 minutes of me going on Instagram. Scrolling was amazing. It was so good. Oh my gosh. Like I'm gonna connect with this person. I haven't talked to this person for a long time. How are you doing? Sent some messages, see some cool shit.
I'm like, oh, like look at that reel. Like that's a cool reel. How did they do that? And like all of this stuff, right? And it's like this excitement and this community and like, yeah, it's really good. After 7.2 minutes, then I started to feel like shit. Because that's when my brain went into, I'm not doing enough.
I'm not as beautiful as that person. Look how clear that person's skin is. Oh my God, shit. Look at the clients that that person must be getting with this because this is really cool work.
And like all of these stories that I would go into, this was like the evidence that, again, my brain was looking forward to, to prove that I was not enough. I was not smart, I was not beautiful, I was not successful enough, all of these things, and I was so grateful that I had the gift of that space for a few years of not being on social media, because if I hadn't, I know that I would've just kept going.
I would've just been like, okay, this is just accepted it as truth that this is what happens when you are on social media and this is just part of it and you're gonna feel like shit and okay. And then you can jump off after you scroll for three and a half hours, you can jump off and then you can eat some food to like stuff the emotions down, and we'll just continue this cycle.
Forever. That's what the old Amanda would've done. But now that I had this space and distance and awareness to realize, okay, wait a second, this is making me feel like shit, I don't like this and I actually don't have to take it. I don't have to compare myself to all of these people. So what I did was I would set time limits for myself because I, I understood.
I understand now that social media is a tool to foster connection. That is all I use it for. It is to foster connection. It is to show up, walk my talk, and be seen so that my clients can find me, that my people can find me. That is all that it is. It is not. It does not define me. It does not define my success.
It does not define that I'm winning in life or losing in life, and none of that shit. I do not have to believe the stories that I'm telling myself. So I set a time limit for myself. Also there's like this block feature. I know, I know. Maybe you're listening and you're like, yeah, of course there's this block feature.
But before, I didn't use the block feature like four or five years ago. I did not use the block feature. Cause I was like, well that's just like unkind and like they'll maybe they'll know that I'm unblocking them and all of these things and now I'm like, I don't give a fuck because I, I am witnessing these.
People are, just a handful. The majority of people online are amazing. But there's a few people that I just, was just like, wait a second. I know that you do not walk your talk. You show up as like love and light and light community and all this shit online, but you treat people like garbage because I've witnessed it.
And maybe yes, maybe you're having a bad day and maybe, yes, we're all human, but like, I can't, when I see your stuff, it makes me feel bad and so I blocked a couple people and it was so liberating and so free and I was like, oh my God, I can do that. So, super simple, but it works because then what it does is it that allows you more creative space for you to show up and to share your stuff if you don't have the, the toxic, blah.
In your space. Do you know what I mean? I'm just gonna have a sip of coffee here. Mm-hmm.
So the purpose of me sharing on the social media bit is that yes, we compare ourselves. The key is to catching it, catching what the stories that we tell ourselves in our brain, and then doing whatever we need to do. So whether that's blocking people cleaning off the, your followers and following, and whatever that is to make it a space for you.
So that it works for you and for your clients because the whole goal of being seen and sharing your work is to serve. If you're like me, that is your purpose. That is your goal is to serve the people that need you. That is it. It is not about a popularity contest. While that would be nice for like the dopamine in our brains, mm, that is not the point.
If you have reached your late thirties, forties, fifties, shit, maybe you're wise in your, in your twenties and you know, you understand that you are here to serve, then make it work for you. So this comparisonitis is a thing that can be so fucking debilitating, but we can also use it, right? We can acknowledge, okay.
Maybe sometimes this comparisonitis actually drives me forward. It actually helps me create things that I'm proud to put out into the world. And yeah, if maybe a little part of that is that, you know, my twin sisters creating shit, great, creating cool shit, and I wanna create cool shit too, and then maybe that's also okay, you know, so it's not like there's, it's black and white.
This is not a black and white thing. We can, it's all our perspective on how we look at it. So, I'm gonna end this fairly shortly here, but my solution for the comparisonitis problem, and this is not an exhaustive list, this is just simply what's come to my, to my brain over the last few months is that being aware, being aware that comparing ourselves is a distraction.
It is fully a distraction. From acknowledging our own brilliance, our own beauty, our own skills and talents. There's almost like this self sabotage there. Well, there is, there's a self sabotage energy because it's a lot easier to get stuck in the stories of, of comparing ourselves to others than actually showing up with the work that we have, the knowledge and brilliance that we have.
So, Awareness is huge, of just being like, wait - this doesn't make me feel good. Why is this, how can I flip this story in my head? You know? Also knowing that you will never compare it to anybody else and they will never compare it to you. So your history and your life and your stories have created nuances. To you and how you show up and how you're able to show up in the world, please don't deprive your people, the people that you serve, simply because of your old stories.
So for me, I can't. I'm not gonna deprive the people that I serve who are business owners, entrepreneurs, organizations, creatives. I mean, I, I'm not gonna deprive those people because of the old stories about that. Really, a lot of them are rooted in the comparison with my twin sister, right? My, my audience, my clients.
They, while they can appreciate the story and like some of the roots of why I would have this, They at the end of the day are there to ask for help. Please help me with this. Please help me be seen. So we need to remember to focus on our, our, the people that we serve. This is, it's one thing to acknowledge our stories and, and do the inner work, the deep inner work to move through it.
But then at the end of the day, it's like, who are we here to serve? Why are we here? And we need to remember that because if we deprive them, we're also depriving ourselves of. Of what we can create and what we can do. And lastly, I I just wanna say that creating, putting your work out there is you. It's you.
That is a massive part of you. And if you're like me, there comes a time where that pull of putting yourself and your work out there is more important than the distractions. There comes a time where we simply need to, this is part of us, this is part of what fills us up, what feeds our souls and our hearts.
So really it's about acknowledging the small details, small and big details of stories that we have gone through and and lived, and the beliefs and all of it. And then really looking at the bigger picture, understanding our why, who we're here to serve. That not showing up, deprives them and us of our gifts, and then zooming back into the details and being like, okay, how do I do that?
How do I actually show up? And that could be on social media, making yourself a content calendar or social media, like a post in stories and whatever calendar. There's so much, there's so many resources online for that. It could be working with a coach or counselor, healer to help you move through your stories and doing the deep inner work so that you can show up.
And then it's also being honest and you, when you do show up So again, on social media or through newsletters or through videos or podcasts, whatever that medium happens to be for you is trusting that you've got this and that it will be a continual practice of not sticking into the comparisonitis.
But knowing that you can move through it because you are strong and you are wise and you have magic to share. So on that note, thank you so much for being here. I am so, so grateful that you took the time to listen to this. I hope you have an amazing rest of your day, rest of your night, and that you know that you can do this.
All right, love you.
